Back in the ’00s, #Facebook was the place to be — if you liked the idea of having friends but also didn’t want to leave your house.
That has since changed, as has been evident by Facebook’s desperate attempts to re-engage the fellow kids crowd. A report from e-Marketer over the summer predicted that Facebook would lose users in the coveted 12-17 demographic, the first time it ever projected a loss for the platform. More and more younger users are reportedly migrating to technically hipper, I guess, platforms like Instagram and Snapchat.
All of which makes one wonder: Who the hell is using Facebook anymore?
Thankfully, we have the answer to that. Below are the seven remaining genres of people who still use Facebook, according to a very scientific analysis I recently published in my head. To reach my conclusion, I used demographic data, my personal observations, as well as a few completely benign stereotypes everyone can agree are real.
Let’s meet them.
1. TheResistance Mom
The Resistance Mom exists for one reason only: to destroy Donald Trump. Given the amount she publishes on Facebook every day — all of it straight from the mouths of Joy Reid and NeverTrump conservatives — it’s hard to imagine her having a full time job. Sometimes you’ll catch a nostalgic Hillary Clinton post or a cat GIF, but for the most part, the Resistance Mom sticks to Rachel Maddow video clips and nonstop breaking news updates about the Mueller investigation. We love her.
2. The Rando Animated Racist
Every once in a while, some rando dude who only has memes for profile pictures will pop up in your newsfeed with a ringing defense of Donald Trump Jr. You’re not sure who they are or how the two of you became friends, but there he is, sharing an opinion piece from The Gateway Pundit. And there you are, diligently checking his newsfeed every day to see what kind of backwards-ass reaction he’ll have to Trump’s latest Muslim ban. You just want to see how the other half lives.
3. Your Friend from High School Who Is Hitting All of Their Milestones Faster Than You
Back in high school, you always thought you were in top quintile, intelligence-wise. Now you’re in the bottom quarter, income-wise. How did this happen? How do they own a house and you don’t own a blender? And why is their baby not ugly?
This is not how adulthood was supposed to work. The jocks will continue to be successful even after high school. There will be no nerd uprising.
4. The Wannabe Writer Who Got One Thing Published And Now They Won’t Stop
They were published in HuffPo once — ONCE — and all of a sudden they’re a bigshot writer with a lot of opinions about “sex panics” and oh man, here comes the Medium post.
5. The Lefty One-Upper
You think you’re progressive? Well, the Lefty One-Upper is on a mission to prove they’re way more radical than you. No matter what you say, they’re going to find a way to punch holes in it until you are down on your knees, begging not to be Facebook-shamed and sharing EverydayFeminism posts to prove your moral worth. They’ve passed all their self-imposed political purity tests with flying colors.
6. The Big Announcements Person
This person is always announcing something — whether it’s a book deal, a marriage or some bullshit introspective milestone they’ve reached that they’d like to announce to the world. You hate those posts and yet, for all your animosity, they continue to perform so well. How come nobody cared when you published your article about “The Top 10 Best Places to Get a Gyno Exam in the City?” Was it misogyny? It must be. You have to be more lovable than the Big Announcements Person!
7. The, Uh, 34-year-old Web Culture Reporter Who Writes for *ashable And Isn’t Ready to Give It Up
This person, who mocks and stereotypes Facebook users, nonetheless secretly loves the platform herself. They can’t move to Twitter, where they’ll be surrounded by fascist egg avatars who rarely fave their posts, or Instagram, where randos give out likes like candy. They’ll miss stalking their ex’s current girlfriend’s Facebook profile. God, they’ll even miss the BuzzfeedTasty videos that appear in their feed, even though all of those recipes are basically jacked up fettuccine alfredo, and they can’t believe they generate a revenue stream out of this.
Facebook is this person’s home, with or without animated dog tongue selfies, and no matter what the cool kids are telling them to do.
Read more: http://mashable.com/